ACT II SCENE 1 (Vast expanse of desert. 50 ft. tall saguaros and cirio trees reach haphazardly into sky. Mountainous. Coastal. EL PODEROSO, wheezing and panting slightly, trudges dutifully on with ALEX and JESS in tow.)
JESS You are really going overboard with these moisturizing products. ALEX I like the smell of chocolate. JESS Don't you mean cocoa butter? ALEX Whatever. JESS That's not even good for you. Look at all the mineral oil in there! You should be using these amazing Arbonne products instead. Look, Arbonne not-so-basic skin care (tm) for your, um, basic needs, Arbonne Intelligence Specialty (tm) to meet your unique needs of rejuvenating and conditioning, and of course, NutriMinC RE^9 (tm), the first and only anti-aging system to use Nanosphere Technology that uses 9 REsult-oriented elements to combat the visual signs of aging! Plus, if I sell you $5000 of product, and then you sell $5000 of product, then I get $20! ALEX What happens to the other $4980? JESS I have to give it back to Arbonne. Don't you know how multi-level marketing works? I thought you were supposed to be smart. ALEX Aren't you just describing a pyramid scheme? JESS Whatever. ALEX Well, since we're on the topic of personal hygiene habits, maybe you ought to consider a deodorant other than Old Spice. JESS I like the way it smells! ALEX Well, yeah, but I don't think it's really working anymore. (Crinkles nose) JESS Really? ALEX I heard your body just gets used to the same deodorant after a while and you have to switch it up every so often. JESS What sense does that make? ALEX I don't know. We'll have to ask wikipedia when we get back. (RABID WOLVERINES, EL PODEROSO, EL IPODITO, and LP in various stages of fitful sleep induced from the sheer and utter mundanity of road trip conversation.) ALEX Oh man, that reminds me of this one time at band camp, when I played the euphonium... EL IPODITO (Belting at top of lungs to drown out inanity) Well I don't know why I came here tonight, I got the feeling that something ain't right, I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair, And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs, Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am, Stuck in the middle with you.
SCENE 2 (Cabo Wabo aka Sammy Hagar's shrine by himself, for himself. Early evening. House band is rocking tunes familiar to and appreciated by the older crowd.) WAITER Need anything? JESS Any early bird specials? Buddy over here just turned one year closer to death and thought we should go to the bars at 4:30pm. ALEX Dude! First, it's 8:30, and second, you were psyched to get a table. JESS You're not the wrecking ball you once were. ALEX Trust me, this is better. JESS You wanna know how I know you're old? You know who Sammy Hagar is and you want to go to his bar at 3pm. WAITER Need anything? ALEX Dos waboritas, por favor. WAITER Coming right up, buddy. Wanna know how I know you're old? You just ordered a blue drink and have no idea how gay that is. ALEX Oh, so everybody thinks they're Seth Rogen now, do they? Just bring the margs, dammit. (RABID WOLVERINES howl at the prospect of alcohol, and the way it's going to enhance their game of "what's the sharpest?") ALEX Are those guys rocking Bon Jovi right now? We must drink from the chalice of rock with them immediately! JESS You wanna know how I know you're old? You think it's still bitchin' to listen to Bon Jovi in your Camaro. (ALEX and JESS bust out bitchin' dance moves) ALEX Who's that pompous and shaggy looking guy on stage? JESS He can't take a shot, that's for sure. Hey! Why don't you learn how to drink, nancy pants! JOHN MAYER Oh, um, hi everybody. It's great to be here tonight. JESS Sally can't drink! Get off the stage! Get a hair cut! HOUSE BAND SINGER Everyone give it up for JOHN MAYER! (JOHN MAYER launches into a virtuoso performance of Sweet Child O' Mine.) JESS OMG! That's JOHN MAYER! (JESS swoons.) Your body's a wonderland! All I need is a water and a fish taco, and I can go all night. (JESS removes several layers to throw them on stage, thinks better of it, puts them back on, grabs one of the panicked MARISCOS. ALEX arches eyebrow.) JOHN MAYER 'Cause the walls start shaking The earth was quaking My mind was aching And we were makin it and you - Shook me all night long Yeah you shook me all night long
SCENE 3 (Evening. ALEX and JESS walking back to hostel after getting rocked by JOHN MAYER, some getting more rocked than others.) ALEX You know, we just left EL PODEROSO on the street. Maybe we ought to check up on him... (EL PODEROSO leaning against street lamp, white suit starting to look a little raggedy after all the hard travel.) ALEX How you doin' buddy? Holding up ok? (ALEX shines light into EL PODEROSO'S eyes, kicks his shins, gives pat on the ass.) ALEX Looking good buddy! We'll catch ya tomorrow! (LA POLICIA comes screeching around the corner. Following conversation entirely in Spanish and the international language of hand gestures. JESS stands still, confused, scared.) LA POLICIA What are you doing? ALEX Who are you? Nice Gap hoodie. LA POLICIA You ever been to a Mexican prison? ALEX Oh, sorry officer! Didn't see those large guns of yours! I was, uh, just checking up on my friend here! He's doing great, I assure you! (EL PODEROSO smirks silently.) LA POLICIA Where did he come from? ALEX TJ. LA POLICIA Aye yi yi. Why do all you stupid gringos insist on calling it that? Anyhow, where are your papers? ALEX They're um... back at the hotel? LA POLICIA You trying to be difficult? ALEX (Gesticulating wildly) No sir! Whatever you want, I'll do it for you! No problem here! LA POLICIA Where you from? Retardlandia? ALEX Yes! The United States! LA POLICIA You had anything to drink tonight? ALEX Just a few of those blue drinks, officer. LA POLICIA You wanna know how I know you're going to jail? ALEX Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitaminute ossifer, just tell me what you want. JESS, give him a fish taco! (JESS stands frozen. LA POLICIA grow visibly bored. MARISCOS are agitated. RABID WOLVERINES oblivious; continue pushing each other into bubbling hot tub filled with bacon grease, lighting each other on fire.) LA POLICIA You're going to bed now, right? ALEX Yes sir, straightaway! (ALEX and JESS exit stage left.) LA POLICIA Stupid gringos. (Grin at each other, exit stage right.) (Curtain drops)