meximas-act-ii


travel

                        ACT II

                        SCENE 1

                        (Vast expanse of desert. 50 ft. tall
                        saguaros and cirio trees reach
                        haphazardly into sky. Mountainous.
                        Coastal.

                        EL PODEROSO, wheezing and panting
                        slightly, trudges dutifully on with
                        ALEX and JESS in tow.)


jess = 5'10", you do the math

                        JESS
You are really going overboard with these moisturizing
products.

                        ALEX
I like the smell of chocolate.

                        JESS
Don't you mean cocoa butter?

                        ALEX
Whatever.

                        JESS
That's not even good for you. Look at all the mineral oil in
there! You should be using these amazing Arbonne products
instead. Look, Arbonne not-so-basic skin care (tm) for your,
um, basic needs, Arbonne Intelligence Specialty (tm) to meet
your unique needs of rejuvenating and conditioning, and of
course, NutriMinC RE^9 (tm), the first and only anti-aging
system to use Nanosphere Technology that uses 9
REsult-oriented elements to combat the visual signs of aging!

Plus, if I sell you $5000 of product, and then you sell $5000
of product, then I get $20!

                        ALEX
What happens to the other $4980?

                        JESS
I have to give it back to Arbonne. Don't you know how
multi-level marketing works? I thought you were supposed to be
smart.

                        ALEX
Aren't you just describing a pyramid scheme?

                        JESS
Whatever.
                        
                        ALEX
Well, since we're on the topic of personal hygiene habits,
maybe you ought to consider a deodorant other than Old Spice.
                        
                        JESS
I like the way it smells!
                        
                        ALEX
Well, yeah, but I don't think it's really working anymore.
                
                (Crinkles nose)
                        
                        JESS
Really?
                        
                        ALEX
I heard your body just gets used to the same deodorant after a
while and you have to switch it up every so often.
                        
                        JESS
What sense does that make?
                        
                        ALEX
I don't know. We'll have to ask wikipedia when we get back.
                
                (RABID WOLVERINES, EL PODEROSO, EL IPODITO,
                and LP in various stages of fitful sleep
                induced from the sheer and utter mundanity of
                road trip conversation.)
                        
                        ALEX
Oh man, that reminds me of this one time at band camp, when I
played the euphonium...
                        
                        EL IPODITO
                
                (Belting at top of lungs to drown out inanity)

Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me, 
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you.


cholla detail

                        SCENE 2

                        (Cabo Wabo aka Sammy Hagar's shrine by
                        himself, for himself. Early evening.
                        House band is rocking tunes familiar
                        to and appreciated by the older
                        crowd.)

                        WAITER
Need anything?

                        JESS
Any early bird specials? Buddy over here just turned one year
closer to death and thought we should go to the bars at
4:30pm.

                        ALEX
Dude! First, it's 8:30, and second, you were psyched to get a
table.

                        JESS
You're not the wrecking ball you once were.

                        ALEX
Trust me, this is better.

                        JESS
You wanna know how I know you're old? You know who Sammy Hagar
is and you want to go to his bar at 3pm.

                        WAITER
Need anything?

                        ALEX
Dos waboritas, por favor.

                        WAITER
Coming right up, buddy. Wanna know how I know you're old? You
just ordered a blue drink and have no idea how gay that is.

                        ALEX
Oh, so everybody thinks they're Seth Rogen now, do they? Just
bring the margs, dammit.

                (RABID WOLVERINES howl at the prospect of
                alcohol, and the way it's going to enhance
                their game of "what's the sharpest?")

                        ALEX
Are those guys rocking Bon Jovi right now? We must drink from
the chalice of rock with them immediately!
                        
                        JESS
You wanna know how I know you're old? You think it's still
bitchin' to listen to Bon Jovi in your Camaro.
                        
                (ALEX and JESS bust out bitchin' dance moves)
                        
                        ALEX
Who's that pompous and shaggy looking guy on stage?
                        
                        JESS
He can't take a shot, that's for sure. Hey! Why don't you
learn how to drink, nancy pants!

                        JOHN MAYER
Oh, um, hi everybody. It's great to be here tonight. 

                        JESS
Sally can't drink! Get off the stage! Get a hair cut!

                        HOUSE BAND SINGER
Everyone give it up for JOHN MAYER!

                (JOHN MAYER launches into a virtuoso
                performance of Sweet Child O' Mine.)

                        JESS 
OMG! That's JOHN MAYER!
                        
                (JESS swoons.)

Your body's a wonderland! All I need is a water and a fish
taco, and I can go all night.

                (JESS removes several layers to throw them on
                stage, thinks better of it, puts them back on,
                grabs one of the panicked MARISCOS.

                ALEX arches eyebrow.)

                        JOHN MAYER
'Cause the walls start shaking
The earth was quaking
My mind was aching
And we were makin it and you -

Shook me all night long
Yeah you shook me all night long


Hussong's

                        SCENE 3

                        (Evening. ALEX and JESS walking back
                        to hostel after getting rocked by JOHN
                        MAYER, some getting more rocked than
                        others.)

                        ALEX
You know, we just left EL PODEROSO on the street. Maybe we
ought to check up on him...

                (EL PODEROSO leaning against street lamp,
                white suit starting to look a little raggedy
                after all the hard travel.)

                        ALEX
How you doin' buddy? Holding up ok?

                (ALEX shines light into EL PODEROSO'S eyes,
                kicks his shins, gives pat on the ass.)

                        ALEX
Looking good buddy! We'll catch ya tomorrow!

                (LA POLICIA comes screeching around the
                corner.

                Following conversation entirely in Spanish and
                the international language of hand gestures.

                JESS stands still, confused, scared.)

                        LA POLICIA
What are you doing?

                        ALEX
Who are you? Nice Gap hoodie.

                        LA POLICIA
You ever been to a Mexican prison?

                        ALEX
Oh, sorry officer! Didn't see those large guns of yours! I
was, uh, just checking up on my friend here! He's doing great,
I assure you!

                (EL PODEROSO smirks silently.)

                        LA POLICIA
Where did he come from? 

                        ALEX
TJ.                     
                        
                        LA POLICIA
Aye yi yi. Why do all you stupid gringos insist on calling it
that? Anyhow, where are your papers?

                        ALEX
They're um... back at the hotel?
                
                        LA POLICIA
You trying to be difficult?

                        ALEX

                (Gesticulating wildly)
                
No sir! Whatever you want, I'll do it for you! No problem
here!
                        
                        LA POLICIA 
Where you from? Retardlandia?
                
                        ALEX
Yes! The United States!
                
                        LA POLICIA
You had anything to drink tonight?
                
                        ALEX
Just a few of those blue drinks, officer.

                        LA POLICIA
You wanna know how I know you're going to jail?

                        ALEX
Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitaminute ossifer, just tell me what
you want. JESS, give him a fish taco!

                (JESS stands frozen.

                LA POLICIA grow visibly bored.
             
                MARISCOS are agitated.

                RABID WOLVERINES oblivious; continue pushing
                each other into bubbling hot tub filled with
                bacon grease, lighting each other on fire.)

                        LA POLICIA
You're going to bed now, right?

                        ALEX
Yes sir, straightaway!

                (ALEX and JESS exit stage left.)

                        LA POLICIA
Stupid gringos.

                (Grin at each other, exit stage right.)

                (Curtain drops)



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