ACT I

                        SCENE 1

                        (Early winter; ALEX and JESS sitting
                        at a table, piles of bloody elk bones,
                        empty wine bottles, and a giant
                        buffalo head litter the scene.)

I'm freezing!

How many layers are you wearing?

Not that many. A short sleeve polypro, a long sleeve polypro,
my New Belgium fleece, this sweet vintage 1940s wool ski
sweater, the wind jacket that makes me look really fast, my
favorite brown hoodie, and of course my faux leather jacket
with faux fur trim. Not many layers at all.

What are you doing for winter break? Maybe a trip somewhere
warm is in order.  Let's check the internets and look for some
BOGOs, eh?

                (In one motion, pulls laptop out of pants,
                simultaneously opens 32 tabs in Firefox to
                various discount air travel sites, evaluates
                screen for 2 seconds, snaps lid back shut,
                shoves laptop back into pants.)

Done. Looks like we're going on a road trip down the Baja

Isn't that over 2100 miles of driving in nine days? A little
much, don't you think?

Ok, everything's all booked. Pick you up on Christmas!

$1 per scoop?

                        SCENE 2

                        (Raymond's swanky beachfront house)

Glad you made it! You hungry? I hope so! I prepared a food!
It's crazy!     
I'm starving! I do feel a little funny after eating at that $1
per scoop Chinese food place, but... let's eat!

At least that place was a good value.

                (RABID WOLVERINES take temporary break from
                boxing match, excited by the prospect of more

Ok! I didn't have time prepare much, so hope this enough! Only
five kinds meat! No fish! Have shrimp though! That's crazy!

                (Presses hidden button, walls rotate revealing
                walk-in wine cellar and silent disdainful Euro
                in full tuxedo and tails standing in corner,
                walk-in cigar humidor with autographed
                portrait of Fidel Castro on wall, walk-in keg
                styled after the San Diego aquarium where you
                get to walk in tubes underneath the fake ocean
                to watch sharks and manta rays swimming

                Solid teak dining table flips upside-down,
                replaced by solid cube of stainless steel the
                size of Mack truck engine block.

                RAYMOND casually flips 2-inch thick filets
                onto one half of cube, which immediately start
                sizzing; grabs octagonal container of pure
                cream, sugar, and free trade vanilla essence
                extracted by virgins only on nights with a new
                moon, gives three sharp shakes, empties
                contents perfectly onto other half of cube
                where it quickly freezes into ice cream.)
Next week, I go to Macao! Check my casino! You eat more! Ok?
One time I went to New Zealand and it so boring! Everything
close at 8pm! Awful! You drive all the way to Cabo? That's
crazy! I scared to do that!
                (ALEX and JESS overwhelmed by generosity and
                opulence. Dutifully eat when commanded,
                respond with grunts and nods to indicate to
                RAYMOND they are listening.
                RABID WOLVERINE #1 has a pile of light bulbs
                at feet; fast pitches them to RABID WOLVERINE
                #2 who gleefully hits them with a bat. Both
                cackle wildly and give the British sign of
                extreme rudeness, V for victory sign with
                first two fingers, palm facing in, hand
                gestured vigorously upwards. Resume lightbulb

                ALEX and JESS clutch stomachs and stagger to

i will eat your trash

                        SCENE 3

                        (Tijuana. Hot. Loud. ALEX and JESS
                        each carrying gigantic backpacks. ALEX
                        has latest high-tech space-age pack
                        made out of the future and magic.
                        JESS carries a lumpy, WWI original
                        Army surplus gunnysack.)

Man, that was awful nice of Raymond to drop us off at the
border. Look at all these stores selling Viagra and Cialis.
It's like walking through my spam mailbox!

I want some fish tacos!
                (MARISCOS eye each other and JESS nervously)
Maybe we ought to find EL PODEROSO first...
                (JESS suddenly lunges at MARISCOS, waving
                hands wildly.
                MARISCOS scatter, squealing. 
                ALEX grabs JESS' lumpysack and restrains her;
                the gentle tug sends her tumbling backwards.)

Alright, seriously, we really ought to find EL PODEROSO. I
think he's just a few blocks away now...

How far?
What do you think, EL PEE?

                        EL PEE
North Revolucion is the seedy, steamy side of TJ, as it's
affectionately referred to by gringos. Tread here with
caution, and avoid the store fronts with the donkeys out

                (Pulls out a map of London)

15 quatloos to a dram, I'd say. Maybe 37 blocks East by
South-Northwest, then 15 blocks around this traffic circle.
Oh, maybe you want to be on that spot in the crease.

That's a raisin.

Did someone mention food?

                (RABID WOLVERINES grow dizzy with delight,
                resume rolling each other down hill in metal
                garbage can into a pile of accordians.)

almejas y ostiones, 1

                        EL PEE 
This place sounds pretty famous. Not really sure how to get
there though.

                (Points to spot on map labelled "Legend")
Forget it. Let's go.

                (Walks vigorously away, staggering under
                weight of lumpsack.
                ALEX struggles to catch up.

                The two walk aimlessly for hours; EL PEE
                occasionally pulls out the London map, old
                ticket stubs, dirty kleenex, and attempts to
                triangulate against the setting sun.)

I give up.

                (Waves at a cab, gesticulates wildly at
                cabbie, collapses in back seat. JESS follows.

                Cab drives a half block, pulls back over, ALEX
                and JESS get out. ALEX hands cabbie giant wad
                of fake money.

                EL PODEROSO leaning casually against street
                lamp, grinning wickedly, top hat tilted at
                rakish angle.)


                        EL PODEROSO
They call me "the powerful one".

You're five foot nothing. 
                        EL PODEROSO
I have a strong spirit, a pure heart, great skin, and a
Comfort package. Perhaps one day, I shall visit your country
and sleep with your women. Viva la revolucion!

                (ALEX and JESS look at each other, shrug. Toss
                giant packs to EL PODEROSO. Give each other
                high fives.)



                (EL PODEROSO teeters, totters, catches
                himself. Proudly leads ALEX and JESS off

                        EL IPODITO

                (Follows trio offstage, singing loudly)

In the day we sweat it out in the streets of a runaway american dream
At night we ride through mansions of glory in suicide machines
Sprung from cages out on highway 9,
Chrome wheeled, fuel injected and steppin out over the line
Baby this town rips the bones from your back
Its a death trap, its a suicide rap
We gotta get out while were young
`cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run

                (Curtain drops)

we love the tropic of cancer