ACT I SCENE 1 (Early winter; ALEX and JESS sitting at a table, piles of bloody elk bones, empty wine bottles, and a giant buffalo head litter the scene.) JESS I'm freezing! ALEX How many layers are you wearing? JESS Not that many. A short sleeve polypro, a long sleeve polypro, my New Belgium fleece, this sweet vintage 1940s wool ski sweater, the wind jacket that makes me look really fast, my favorite brown hoodie, and of course my faux leather jacket with faux fur trim. Not many layers at all. ALEX What are you doing for winter break? Maybe a trip somewhere warm is in order. Let's check the internets and look for some BOGOs, eh? (In one motion, pulls laptop out of pants, simultaneously opens 32 tabs in Firefox to various discount air travel sites, evaluates screen for 2 seconds, snaps lid back shut, shoves laptop back into pants.) Done. Looks like we're going on a road trip down the Baja peninsula. JESS Isn't that over 2100 miles of driving in nine days? A little much, don't you think? ALEX Ok, everything's all booked. Pick you up on Christmas!
SCENE 2 (Raymond's swanky beachfront house) RAYMOND Glad you made it! You hungry? I hope so! I prepared a food! It's crazy! JESS I'm starving! I do feel a little funny after eating at that $1 per scoop Chinese food place, but... let's eat! ALEX At least that place was a good value. (RABID WOLVERINES take temporary break from boxing match, excited by the prospect of more food.) RAYMOND Ok! I didn't have time prepare much, so hope this enough! Only five kinds meat! No fish! Have shrimp though! That's crazy! (Presses hidden button, walls rotate revealing walk-in wine cellar and silent disdainful Euro in full tuxedo and tails standing in corner, walk-in cigar humidor with autographed portrait of Fidel Castro on wall, walk-in keg styled after the San Diego aquarium where you get to walk in tubes underneath the fake ocean to watch sharks and manta rays swimming around. Solid teak dining table flips upside-down, replaced by solid cube of stainless steel the size of Mack truck engine block. RAYMOND casually flips 2-inch thick filets onto one half of cube, which immediately start sizzing; grabs octagonal container of pure cream, sugar, and free trade vanilla essence extracted by virgins only on nights with a new moon, gives three sharp shakes, empties contents perfectly onto other half of cube where it quickly freezes into ice cream.) Next week, I go to Macao! Check my casino! You eat more! Ok? One time I went to New Zealand and it so boring! Everything close at 8pm! Awful! You drive all the way to Cabo? That's crazy! I scared to do that! (ALEX and JESS overwhelmed by generosity and opulence. Dutifully eat when commanded, respond with grunts and nods to indicate to RAYMOND they are listening. RABID WOLVERINE #1 has a pile of light bulbs at feet; fast pitches them to RABID WOLVERINE #2 who gleefully hits them with a bat. Both cackle wildly and give the British sign of extreme rudeness, V for victory sign with first two fingers, palm facing in, hand gestured vigorously upwards. Resume lightbulb baseball. ALEX and JESS clutch stomachs and stagger to bed.)
SCENE 3 (Tijuana. Hot. Loud. ALEX and JESS each carrying gigantic backpacks. ALEX has latest high-tech space-age pack made out of the future and magic. JESS carries a lumpy, WWI original Army surplus gunnysack.) ALEX Man, that was awful nice of Raymond to drop us off at the border. Look at all these stores selling Viagra and Cialis. It's like walking through my spam mailbox! JESS I want some fish tacos! (MARISCOS eye each other and JESS nervously) ALEX Maybe we ought to find EL PODEROSO first... (JESS suddenly lunges at MARISCOS, waving hands wildly. MARISCOS scatter, squealing. ALEX grabs JESS' lumpysack and restrains her; the gentle tug sends her tumbling backwards.) Alright, seriously, we really ought to find EL PODEROSO. I think he's just a few blocks away now... JESS How far? ALEX What do you think, EL PEE? EL PEE North Revolucion is the seedy, steamy side of TJ, as it's affectionately referred to by gringos. Tread here with caution, and avoid the store fronts with the donkeys out front. (Pulls out a map of London) 15 quatloos to a dram, I'd say. Maybe 37 blocks East by South-Northwest, then 15 blocks around this traffic circle. Oh, maybe you want to be on that spot in the crease. ALEX That's a raisin. JESS Did someone mention food? (RABID WOLVERINES grow dizzy with delight, resume rolling each other down hill in metal garbage can into a pile of accordians.)
EL PEE This place sounds pretty famous. Not really sure how to get there though. (Points to spot on map labelled "Legend") JESS Forget it. Let's go. (Walks vigorously away, staggering under weight of lumpsack. ALEX struggles to catch up. The two walk aimlessly for hours; EL PEE occasionally pulls out the London map, old ticket stubs, dirty kleenex, and attempts to triangulate against the setting sun.) ALEX I give up. (Waves at a cab, gesticulates wildly at cabbie, collapses in back seat. JESS follows. Cab drives a half block, pulls back over, ALEX and JESS get out. ALEX hands cabbie giant wad of fake money. EL PODEROSO leaning casually against street lamp, grinning wickedly, top hat tilted at rakish angle.) ALEX Hola! JESS Holla! EL PODEROSO They call me "the powerful one". JESS You're five foot nothing. EL PODEROSO I have a strong spirit, a pure heart, great skin, and a Comfort package. Perhaps one day, I shall visit your country and sleep with your women. Viva la revolucion! (ALEX and JESS look at each other, shrug. Toss giant packs to EL PODEROSO. Give each other high fives.) ALEX Meximas! JESS MEXIMAS! (EL PODEROSO teeters, totters, catches himself. Proudly leads ALEX and JESS off stage.) EL IPODITO (Follows trio offstage, singing loudly) In the day we sweat it out in the streets of a runaway american dream At night we ride through mansions of glory in suicide machines Sprung from cages out on highway 9, Chrome wheeled, fuel injected and steppin out over the line Baby this town rips the bones from your back Its a death trap, its a suicide rap We gotta get out while were young `cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run (Curtain drops)